stress. extra anxiety & true friends

Hey Y'all.... I am far from the type to seek pity but even from hundreds and hundreds of miles away I am still hearing rumors and bull crap drama. I already have enough anxiety and depression that were very well under control when i first was medicated, lately things have spiraled out of control and even with double the dose of medication it seems like nothing will ever be enough. I found out before I came that i had some shady friends, VERY shady. Shady probably is the nicest most appropriate word for this blog! Anyways, It made it simple to group together my true friends, the ones who care, would be here in a minute if i needed them, the ones who go out of their way to help me and do me favors, the ones who call and listen to me cry and blab on when i am pushed to my limits and have no other choice. Anxiety and depression of course come a long with a life terrifying event. Knowing i am going to be cut and diced up on the entire upper half of my body scares the crap out of me, all the scars that it will leave, and all the excessive pain i am going to go through..  i am a tough cookie, i've been through a LOT of painful things throughout the years and have grown to have a very high pain tolerance but i know that no matter how tough i am this surgery is a entire new experience for me and my body. The things i hear people say do not surprise me, especially the type of people they are which i will actually keep to myself. It hurts my feelings, i break down crying, and not because they're 'talking' about me; but because i can NEVER imagine someone i had been best friends with for years to be going through a life or death surgery, or suffering from pain and struggling in every aspect every day, i would never just stop talking to them, steal from them, or more importantly speak badly about them and just simply not give a shit. I guess when i can't see myself doing it to them, or anyone else for that matter, it really sets me off when they easily do it to me with no emotion and no problem. On top of that i have only enough money to get by and because i cant have a job (obviously) and christopher can't work cause he must be with me 24/7, that just goes to add more stress to not be able to go out and do stuff for ourselves. We ended up with a nice apartment and some money for food, and medical expenes, but i was so used to going out to hang out with friends (which is hard to make here when i am stuck home on oxygen all day and night) or i at least worked enough to go have a massage or manicure or grab a couple cute things at the store, now on the other hand my money is very important to use for specific things or else i will run out and then who knows what if i cant afford to stay here i guess i'm out.. but i am still trying to raise money and i found a couple people here i have found who are willing to let me put up donation buckets which im hoping to have soon. Anyways, So yes i got accepted to move forward with transplant, i should have been SO excited, which i was and dont get me wrong i celebrated with a small glass of champaigne, the love of my life, and two great friends over a delicious dinner! I am happy i will be able to breathe again and i pray things go well and smooth, but at the same time in the back of my head theres that initial fear that OH CRAP i might not make it out of this, whether its during surgery or days, weeks, months or years after. I pray for another chance at life with new lungs because I want to have a family, i want to get married and have a child we can call our own (which can be a problem to do before and/or after surgery) =(, i want to catch up on hunting with my father and snowmobiling or just messing around shootin the shit, i want to go walking with my mom and laugh until we cant breathe, help her cook and go to waterparks, theme parks, and all the fun things we've done, I want to be able to go running with my sister, goof off boxing and show her whos boss ;) , i want to visit her at college and dance, and be able to fly and visit the world, i want to go back to work and do well for myself, i want to swim and help dad go haying, or walk the malls with mom, dress up and cause trouble with sis, while i am walking or running drunk in my high heels fearless, go on road trips, hiking, sky diving, modeling, running on the beach, making love to my man the way i want to without getting discouraged or not being able to catch my breath or have a coughing fit, i would even appreciate to be able to give him one big real kiss without running out of air, kick the crap out of anyone who hurts me or anyone i love, pretty much just stand up for myself which i feel to weak to do, i want to get up in the morning and be motivated instead of getting up doing treatments and being ready for bed already, or having an anxiety attack, get a lump in my throat where i choke and pass out, over all i want to be 'normal' which is a word most CF patients never see. I want my 'old' life back, i may have struggled but hardly at all and i didn't feel so useless or helpless you could say. The things that are keeping me going the days i feel like its time to give up are, my amazing family supporting me and helping me with whatever i need done and pushing to keep going and do the best i can until my gift of lungs arrive, the motivation from everyone that my lungs will come and i will succeed, the entire group of people that went out of their way to support me, donate items and money, people who truely love and care about me and even strangers who want to see me breathing without struggle, my REAL friends who keep in touch, pray for me, worry about me, do favors for me and are going to go out of their way to visit me no matter how far away i am, my baby sister who is also known as my very best friend, whether she is there to tell me i'm a moron for something or shes so proud for something else, either way she loves me and she is there, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on, just showing me they love me and reminding me just to make sure i don't give up, and last of all Christopher my amazing boyfriend, who has sacrificed everything to come and stay with me, cook my meals, bathe me, wheel around my oxygen or wheel me around in a chair, get me under control after each anxiety attack, and most of all love me through all my flaws and most of all be there every step of the way, proving his love and how much he cares for me. So once again i gotta keep reminding myself to try to look past all the depressing stuff, ignore the people who honestly dont even matter too me, respect an keep in touch with the people who care the most, and try to get past my ego and talk to someone so my anxiety attacks calm down before they take a major permanent toll on my body, sometimes i just need a hand to hold, someone to show their love, a letter, a card, a hug or a kiss, because its the little simple things in life that make me smile, keep me hoping, praying, and staying positive. Well i am glad i got that off my full of junk 26% working chest.... Sorry for the pity party as it seems but i know the people who read this are the ones who care and love me and will listen to me complain an blabber on about my problems, thats why you're reading my blog right? Well i just finished me more then annoying nightly treatment and of course Dr. appointments tomorrow, so its time for bed - the one place i can sleep and relax with nothing on my mind and a set of loving arms wrapped around me to remind me no matter how hard it gets he will always be there to help, whether its to cry or laugh together, love is a magical thing. Thank you all for your support and listening to me when i have finally broken down and told the half of it. Good night everyone, i hope you're all breathing easy and cherishing every moment while you can ! I promise to update everyone after my appointment tomorrow and see where i stand from there. XOXOXO

Love ALWAYS,
Erica Louise Ward